And the search goes on...

I guess noone ever said looking for a job was easy. So why did I think it would be even slightly straightforward? Am I just that optimistic/hopeful/naive?

I'm a good person, a hard-worker, someone who enjoys getting their teeth into something that will keep their minds busy and their hands occupied. Too much thinking time doesn't ever do anybody any good. Look at Freud. A sexually-obsessed coke-head by the end of it. The Pete Doherty of the psychological world if you will. I digress... (although the image of Sigmund waltzing around with droopy, red eyes and a guitar slung over his shoddily clothed shoulder is an intriguing one)

Do you ever get the feeling that you have to choose between following a dream and following Johnny Dollar? Like if you go where you're guaranteed a decent pay cheque you know that you'll be giving up the chance to flirt with a career in something you've loved all your life? On Saturday, I withdrew the last £10 from my overdrawn account and have as a result, had to so some real life evaluation. It's strange that I still feel so young when it comes to The Grand Scheme Of Things, yet in terms of a career, 22 is a time when you should at least have a foot on the ladder you're hoping to climb up (y'know, assuming there's no glass ceiling halfway to the top). My feet are still barefoot on the ground.

Gosh how scary is this, turning into a Grown-Up lark? All I wanna do is hold onto my Binky for just a few moments longer but the Real World is tightening its grip on me. So off I go, head high, clean underwear on, into the unknown. May Freud have mercy on me.

What am I doing here?

It's stupid o'clock in the morning, I'm sitting at my computer having had a 4hour cyberchat with JP. It was as good as always, but it's half three in the morning. Madness.

Ok, it's been a while since I've written here and I've had something of an eventful year including one time-consuming job and one time-consuming relationship. Both are now over and although I feel lighter, it's the sort of uncomfortable, unbalancing lightness that you feel after you've been carrying a heavy rucksack for ages until you get used to the weight. When you take it off, your body isn't used to the lightness and inadvertently propels you forward in a strangely organic act of compensation of weight distribution.

I've moved back home. Back to the big smoke; back to the family fold and I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm supposed to be looking for a job. I've got a degree. I've got work experience. Despite the fact that my family and all my oldest friends are here, I don't really feel like I'm here, y'know?

Maybe that's why I'm awake at 03.36 on a Wednesday morning. Just to see what I'll do about it.

...Probably should just go to bed. It is getting rather late...