Time To Exhale.

I'm feeling remarkably calm today.

I think it has something to do with the fact that after 3days of grey, rainy, Mancunian mugginess, the sun has chosen to come out of hiding and beam down on my smiley Northern city.

I think it has something to do with the fact that I know that in 1 day's time, I'll be embarking on a journey with some friends back down to London - my birthplace, where I shall see my family and my Z. - my Ground Control Centre, and a part of my personality that has been missing from me since I left her in Brasil - my Argentine.

I think it has something to do with the fact that for the first time in a long time, I feel inspired to write something. Stupid, because in the time since I last wrote an entry I've been emotionally ALL over the place; I went to Mars, Malaga, to the Moon and back. And usually the one thing that helps me through my madness is this. Writing. Feeling these sentiments and sensations flow through my fingers out of my body onto something solid so I can face them head on.

I've been sad, lonely, scared, lost, anxious, concerned. I've been elated, relieved, assured, ecstatic, grounded. Needless to say these last months have been somewhat a rollercoaster, having moved house, started a new job, said gooodbye to someone who's been the other half of me for the past year (yea, I'm talking about my frequently mentioned Swedish GalPal who headed back to her homeland - lucky Sweden - for good last month), gone on a spontaneous holiday - during which I found out that particular holiday was NOT one of our allotted paid ones, and thus returning me to a place I'm grudgingly comfortable with known as Financial Ruin. Inspired by my SGP who has recently quashed her inner spaghetti junction, I've decided to re-claim myself.

JP asked me by the by why I didn't write anymore. It was a small thing, invisible to the naked eye, but perfectly palpable by me, the impact of that one question. I'm sure he knew it too. Maybe he was just wondering what I'd been up to that I hadn't included in emails. Perhaps he was curious to find out how it ended with the Hot Potato (he's now in Ireland, breaking hearts in some kind of Co-operative house...The story with the beginning and middle finally gave way to the end. And it was nice.) Alternatively he could have just been concerned that I'd lost interest in it. I secretly think that maybe JP understands me a little more than I think. He writes too, and so gets how it drains you - in a good way. I secretly think he wanted to know what was up with me that I felt I had nothing more to give. If that is what he thought, then he was right. And with just that little nudge, that little indication that someone notices when you lose yourself for just a short while, was enough to make me shake myself up, dust myself off, and get back on it.

You might think it's a little strange that I write about people who can find out my thoughts on them, but I think that if they're important enough for me to mention, they're probably also close enough that they know all of this already.

Notting Hill Carnival, I'm ready for you.

It's not like I'm a bully or anything. In fact, I'm one of those people who firmly believes that if you have a problem with someone let them know. If you've told them and you still can't work it out, just agree to disagree and keep the hell out of each other's way. BUT there's this one girl I know who, every couple of years, shows up and reminds me that deep down I have the potential to be a really horrible person.

When we were 11, our lockers were next to each other, so even though we weren't in the same class, we saw a lot of one another. She was one of those girls who had her friends, but because she was just that little bit more, different, some of her friends wouldn't go too far to quash all of the rumours that went around about her. And at an all girls' school, some of those rumours were pretty venomous - at least they were at the time to our impressionable young minds. She was obsessed with Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and I don't mean the show. Her family were naturalists and if you went to her house you'd be greeted by her naked mother who would escort you to her bedroom where she'd she sat, also naked. She never washed. She had relations with her brother. And the worst one - she would masturbate in classes. That was the worse rumour cause there'd always be people around you when you heard about it claiming to have been in said lesson when said incident occured.
As I said, I wasn't in her class so I tried to shut the rumours out and just form my own kind of relationship with her. Unfortunately for her, I'm a pretty high maintenance friend and she just didn't do it for me. She didn't make me laugh, and although she was sweet enough, she could talk the hind leg off a donkey and never got the hint when you subtley and politely tried to exit conversations. If you were friends with a friend of hers, she would cut her eyes at you when you spoke to them until you had finished and then she would proceed to smile and be your friend again. I became good friends with her best friend in 6th form and she boycotted us both for a month. In short, I didn't take well to her, and I think she knew it. Especially when I started the 'Cut Your Hair' campaign, aimed at her 14year old self. She used to have hair down to her waist, her pride and joy and didn't we know it. She'd flick her hair all over the place when she spoke to you, and used it to illustrate her stories. If you were caught in a comic story, she'd try to tickle you with it. Greasy or freshly washed, boy did she love that hair, which is why I think the campaign took off. People in other classes, in other years would mutter 'Cut your hair' behind her in the locker room. Girls would shout 'CUT YOUR HAIR' across the playground at her. She became withdrawn and focussed on other things I guess. She would even come and make a point of showing me when she got a trim. It was never enough for me.

Anyway, I've just found out she's engaged to be married now. I'm still single. What
goes around comes around I guess. Oh, and she never did cut her hair either.